did i write about the sunday i saw ben in my old chair in sunday school and barely contained my tears?
i'll do that now. and if i have, just ignore this one.
well, as to recap for no reason, Sunday morning i was walking my "class" to the bathroom. hand washing was going to be done, we got glue everywhere. they wanted to eat their cookies with clean hands. good little goobers.
so on our way back, i smash my face up against the small window in my old classroom *sob* and smile. look around.
then i see none other than ben...in my seat.
didn't take long for someone to take over my spot here. duh, why would it...the thing is...why couldn't it've been sarah or someone other than ben?
*sigh* let me get on with the lesson...
SO. i literally started to cry. i felt the tears in my eyes, the lump in my throat. the whole 'betrayed' sensation mingled with 'anger' and 'sadness' welled up there for some time.
i was miserable in church. i sat in the pew and stayed as far away from aranel and ben as i physically could. i mean, i smashed myself up against the edge of the pew.
and i was so disgusted with myself. so utterly enraged that i had to act like that. why? because ben was sitting in my old seat. what a moron.
yes, i'm getting angry now too, but the whole big lesson that i learned is to come.
so, here i am smashing my body against the side of the pew so i could get away from them both. see, i thought maybe aranel would have thought like me, and told him to at least take care of my seat. (but i'm insane and no one thinks like me. so here i am being all mental.) and i'm angry with them both.
which is opening another subject in my head, but for another time...
the pastor started giving his usual thanksgiving message. the one he's given for the last 11 years of my life.
but i couldn't've been too angry. i heard him say something about complaining about everything and failing to see the good that is coming of a situation.
and it hit me, right there, that i shouldn't be acting like this! (duh!) i should be seeing the greater good. ben is in sunday school.
who cares if he's in my seat?
i do care, i really do. but i'm trying to be normal about it. not freaking out and feeling hurt. it's not like he sat there on purpose. like he was waiting for me to leave...was he? OK!
do you see what my problem is? i just have to have it out with ben. someday.
BUT. he was in sunday school.
a month ago he wasn't even in a church.
and now he's in mine. with my best friend. i should be so happy!
and so i tried last night to reconsile some stuff.
not really. david and i went for pizza and i invited ben and sarah.
this is where i get torn.
i, in all seriousness and honesty, told ben that he has to keep my seat safe. i was trusting him with my seat. that's a big thing, and weather he knew it or not, i was extremely serious.
what does he say? "well, i was trying to burn it with my lighter last sunday."
therein lies my problem.
any answer i get from him is like that. and i don't know what to do.
oh, yes, i can wait it out. be as sweet as honey to him, waiting for the one time when he says something to me that just makes me insane.
but i don't want it to get there.
i'll end up hating him.
i don't want to hate.
not him, not anyone. especially not him.
it's ben.
i hate hate.
i just don't know where to begin. i can't find the start of this thread i've been pulling. all i know is that i'm unraveling slowly and i'm going to take someone down with me.
and my God, i do not want to do that.
i know i can't befriend everyone. i've just never had someone like ben to "deal" with before. "someone like ben" isn't even right. because there's no "someone like ben", he's ben. there's one ben.
i need your patience! i'm running on my own, and my tank's almost on E. why didn't i come to you before? i'm so upset with myself.
acting like such a fool over such a trivial thing.
forgive. let go. let God. that's all i have to do.
but how do i let ben know? do i let him know? jesus forgave on his way to die...and i can't forgive from last sunday. what's wrong here?
i need to find the beginning of that thread...

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