- [ 11.01.05, 4:54 p.m. ]

this is what i wrote to david and i'm posting it because i can. love you guys. - Weller

November 1, 2005

Hey Babe:

Sitting here alone after a hard day�s work. Hard�ha-ha. Ok, so I lied. I just puttered through most of it.

Decided to write you a letter. Since I was online a couple minutes ago changing all my information upside-down I decided to type.

What I�m going to write you, I don�t really know.

I know I miss you a lot.

I know that I kept you too late last night.

I know that I should�ve let you go the first time you said you were leaving. But I like having you near me. I feel as if I�m selfish with you. Like if you�re not with me then the time I spend isn�t worth much. And it�s definitely worth more than I deem it to be. But when you�re here it just seems like I can relax and forget about work and issues and people stealing my identity. It seems like you�re my safety.

And you are. But I have to realize that you have a life too. The other night when you said you didn�t feel like you spent time with me though we did spend time together got me thinking.

You like football. I like it to a point. You like to do things outside. I do, when it�s warm, to a point. You like to help. I do, when it�s you. It seems like I have a problem keeping myself to myself.

I hate to tell you this, but I fight with myself when you ask me to come over. Why am I fighting with myself? Because I�m comfy and I don�t want to move? No. I haven�t figured it out. I come over anyway and I have a great time. And I have to remind myself that when I do go over your house I will have a great time. Not because I should or because I�m expected to, but because your house is filled with so much love and fun, I can�t help it.

I�ve turned into this mean, sarcastic, thoughtless person that I don�t want to be.

I go to Sunday school why? Because there may be kids. Not because I want to or like it there. I go to church why? Because that�s what I do on Sundays. Not because I want to or like it there. I go to work why? Because I have to in order to live. Not because I like it there or want to.

I feel like that about a lot of things. Not about you. (which is a good thing J) I know not everything�s going to be something I want or like to do. But I do a lot because �I have nothing better to do.� or �I suppose I should.� or �What will so and so think if I don�t.� or �If I don�t, no one else will, and if they do, they won�t do it right.� and all this other worthless crud swimming around in my head.

I don�t want you to have the burden of being the only thing that makes me happy. That�s not fair to you, flattering - yes, to a point- but unfair.

I need joy.
I know I do.
I don�t know how to get it.

I feel like crying most of the time and the rest of the time I�m so angry with myself for feeling bad for myself that I just want to smack myself and that leads to more freakish feelings and I only want you. Just you. All to myself.

And that�s where I feel I�ve gone wrong. I can�t keep you to myself. You�re wonderful. I should share you with the world! Let some other people get some of the joy you have. And they do. Then I realize I�m not one of those girlfriends who keeps her boyfriend under lock and key, and that you do do what you want, when you want.

Then I realize that most of that when revolves around my what.
I don�t want that. Once again, it�s flattering, but not fair.
I guess I�m looking for all kinds of happiness in one place. You�re my place.
You�re where my happiness comes from. But in all of this, I�ve been struggling with where it really should come from and with who gave me you.

God.

Whenever I�m unhappy it all comes back to that. He�s been shut out. I can�t. I just can�t. I read for a week, get busy, get tired, get some excuse. Forget. See my bible, ignore it. I don�t know what to do.

I tried praying and I know the key is to really mean it. Really mean �God, I want to read more to learn.� I always pray for a heart that means it so I can pray to read. When will I know I mean it? When I start wanting to read? When I finally like church, get something out of it? Pay attention?

It seems like this whole deal revolves around church. I�ve been so discouraged with what I�ve seen there that the whole theme of it disgusts me now. I wake up, take a shower and groan �Oh, great, church is today.� And the only reason I go is so that I won�t miss dance practice. Which I like more than church.

But the thing is, the church is slowly turning around, but I�m so put off by what has happened and what I�ve heard that I�m not even trying to enjoy what God�s doing. And that�s so very wrong of me. And the fact that I realize the problem, but do nothing, is even worse.

God�s trying to tell me something and I�m being Jonah. I promised myself I�d NEVER be a Jonah. God has got the most incredible thing for me and I�m running. And it�s not like I�m pulling an Adam & Eve over here, hiding. I know what I�m doing-what�s wrong, I know God knows. I�m ashamed, yes, but I�m running out of ways to counteract my feelings. To push aside the human part of me and focus on the spiritual seems so far away.

I say �Wow, Pastor Bill is an awesome man of God. We�re gonna go places!� in one minute and the next it�s �If something doesn�t screw it up.�
And that�s natural, looking at it from the good vs. evil standpoint. But natural is human. Spiritual is so much different, so much better. It�s seeing the evil, acknowledging it�s presence, but then looking past it to God and focusing on what he�s got, which pushes the evil out of the picture.

That�s what I want! I want it so badly I cry for it! That�s another reason I don�t pay attention in church, another reason why I don�t like it.

I�m a crying person. Always have been. If I was awesome and in the bible I�d be a weeping prophet. I cry. Why? Because I know who holds my hand and I�m just so overwhelmed with that thought that I cry. Joyously. Sometimes it�s because God has shown me where I went wrong and why. I cry then too.

I don�t like to cry in front of people. Can�t. It�s against everything I feel. When I cry in front of people it�s such a big deal I end up wishing I never did. Wishing I was in my closet crying where no one could be like �Oh, I�m praying for you.� Which is bogus, most of it. Why pray for me? Because you saw me crying and thought something was wrong! Oh! Right! Sorry! I was crying because MY God is an AWESOME one! Like, If I cry, I cry. Leave me alone. Let me cry. Should be that simple. It�s not. But I want it to be.

There�s just so many things that I want to share with you that I fear this computer will self-destruct if I write anymore.

The point is, I need you. But I don�t want to use up your joy because I don�t have any of my own. It�s not fair.

I love you. Thanks for letting me rant. Thanks for letting me love you. You're my wonderful.

- Danielle

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