Revelation [ 11.03.05, 8:23 p.m. ]

i feel like i won't be able to compete with myself regarding my last entry.

who knew a letter to my boyfriend could stir so much emotion from so many.

well, i'm not going to try to compete with every entry i write. that's just stupid. if people read what i write and relate, praise God. he's the one who made me write it anyway.

he made me write it so i'd come to terms with what was acually going on inside me. things i've known but have pushed in the back of my heart so i didn't have to deal with them.

now that they've made it back into the open, i've begun to deal.

i have set aside an hour before i go to bed for God.

i pray, read, pray, cry, pray. and i wake up refreshed.

now, is there a difference between starting your day with God and ending it with him? i know i should start every day thanking him for the breath he gave me and the wonderful things he'll do for me that day. and i know i should read some passage - maybe a daily bread- and focus on that for a while, pray over it, start my day.

and maybe as i become a more mature christian, this will happen and i will find myself putting aside more time for the awesome God of my heart.

i realized that every time i read the bible it's not supposed to be this great revelation. it's not supposed to feel different when i read it. i'm not supposed to pick out everything and go "Holy smokes i was blind!" as long as i understand what i'm reading, i'm okay. and what i don't understand, i ask God to reveal and in due time he will, and something tells me i'll stumble upon that verse again.

but i also realized that my prayers now have so much more meaning. i can feel that. it's like floating when i'm praying. it's all my concentration taken and focusing on my savior and how awe-inspiring he is.

the serenity of it is incredible. i can't even describe it to you.

and that's the reason i'm going to keep this up. i can feel it. i'm going to go on holding my savior's hand. it was so dark and depressing not leaning on him.

i'm not a mistake. focusing on myself will never reveal my purpose. I was made by God for God and now i understand this. God is not just the starting point of my life, he's the sourse of it! I dont' get to choose my purpose, but it's not about me now, is it. nope. God made me so he could love me.

and that is the best feeling in the entire world.

i don't care what anyone says.

I love my god!
- Weller

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