Well.
Good morning all!
It snowed yesterday. Alot! It was fun driving home. God had my back though, I followed a sand truck home. And when the sand truck took a right and i had to keep going, there was no one on the road but me. I love driving in the snow like that. alone. no one to crash into.
went right to bed with a headache. well, first i put in to the oven something my mother and i call a chicken lump (which is a breaded piece of chicken with something stuffed inside) and waited for it to be cooked.
in all actuality i only got about fifteen minutes of sleep.
SO. i got up and ate my chicken lump (stuffed with lobster and scallop...YUM!) and went and tried to get some more sleep.
not happening. my sister's on-again-off-again boyfriend (who i'm trying to tolerate and not having a very good time doing so) comes over the house.
i have a problem when you treat my relatives like scum between your toes that can be washed out and put back in whenever you want and the said relative can't see anything because they're all wrapped up inside the "love" thing. and you're not changing... BLAH! BLAH BLAH BLAAAAAAAAAH! (I'm getting mad now so i'll stop)
so, i couldn't sleep. i was mad. i popped in a movie to try and get my mind off of it. the prestige. awesome, by the way. christian bale, a bit awkward but HOOOOOOOOOT none the less! :)
so i was good until i realized that i was just hiding from my problems by keeping myself away from said boy.
i have been praying day in and day out that God would slap me into being okay when i'm around this. i seriously don't know what i was expecting to happen. a miracle, i suppose.
sure i'm going to be hunky-dory when i don't have to see or deal with said person. why did i think i was strong enough?
i cried so much i gave myself a migrane and made myself nauseous. how rediculous.
i realized that since the dawn of time i have been pushing things inside of me and not letting them out because i'm supposed to be a rock.
well, truthfully i'm the only one who put that title on me. i've only heard one of my friends tell me that.
i don't mean to sound selfish but most of the time i feel like everyone is counting on me to be awesome at everything. if there's a function going on that i have to be there or things won't get done.
i have recently basically pulled myself out of anything extracurricular having to do with church because of this. when i tell someone i don't want to do something now, and they laugh at me and expect me to be there anyway, i just don't show up.
i haven't made a formal "danielle's not participating so don't ask" announcement or anything but i feel like i need to pull back and worry about me for a change. that sounds really selfish and mean, but it's a break i've been craving and it feels good.
i don't see myself staying in this break of doing nothing. i hope i don't get comfortable here. i just can't have people counting on me when i feel i need to perform just because that's what's expected.
i'm sure others can relate. and i'm sure if you scan back in my entries that you will find me "realizing" this before. it's a recurring thing in my every day life. huzzah.
SO. i was upset. i don't know how i can be okay about them being back together after what has transpired. God's got to do some transforming in me and i just get so frustrated because i think it's done, when i know it's an ongoing process and then again maybe he's just telling me that there is something wrong and i need to keep praying about it.
the thing is...i don't know. i don't know which it is. i just know that i get upset at her, i get 10x upset with him and i'm angry with myself because i shouldn't feel that way about anyone. nevermind my sister.
now all i feel when i do anything with her is discouragement and annoyance. how horrible! i've thought of just going out and doing things together and dealing with it but i shy away every time.
we never have had the usual sister-sister relationship and now i feel like it's my fault because i'm making it worse because i can't stand her choice of "man".
every time i open my mouth i feel like i'm attacking her because "she can't see" and "how dumb do you have to be" and "why can't she just open her eyes" and "what is he holding over her head, cause she'd never go out with him if he wasn't".
just awful things that make my mind wander even more.
things i shouldn't be worrying about. naturally, i should be. she's my sister and the fact that no one sees anything worth while in him right now is a big hint to me but may not be to her.
spiritually, i shouldn't be worried about her. she'll have to answer for things she's done just like i will. i should be working out my own salvation with fear and trembling.
the only fear and trembling i've been doing is for her.
God knows my heart and there is truthfully nothing i can do about what is going on except pray and know that God has got her in his hand. wether she knows that or not.
i just want to be okay to go places with her. to be able to sit at the dinner table with both of them and not harbour any horrid feelings toward anyone.
God's got a long way to go with me and i hope i can be in for the long haul.
faith of a mustard seed.
pray i guess. that's all there is do do. pray without ceasing.
oh Lord, help me to pray!!!