it is near to 10pm and i cannot seem to sleep without tears escaping my shut eyes. my thoughts are filled with my grandmother's face and the fear of getting the news while i am at work. i can't seem to stop myself from thinking about it. what would happen? who would console me? would i be consolable? would i collapse? i can't fathom the anguish i'd feel.
the first death of a family memeber i'd experience. many of my friends have already lost a loved one, and know how to cope. this will be such a hard time for me. will i ever get over the pain of it? i have no doubt i will, but it will take time and much prayer.
when i visit every tuesday i feel like i can't be there enough. half my life was spent there, in the care of her and my grandfather. watching them both suffer is more than my heart can take.
of course you wouldn't know it, the way i smile all the time. my cousin was crying at church because of it...we went outside and the only tears i shed were in the prayer "Lord, please strengthen her spirit. strengthen her heart." i said it not for my grandmother, but for my cousin. when i am around the talk of my grandmother dying i tune it out. sing some silly song in my head until the subject has been changed. is this wrong? will i be in denial when i find out? refuse to believe even when her body lies before me and her soul has long before gone on to glory? this would be worse than breaking down in front of my co-workers.
they say that you should rejoice when a person dies and cry when a person is born. how i wish society was backwards like that.
i am usually such a strong person. why can't i be tonite?