truly, this is quite retarded. and it sucks that the only place i am even tempted to get it out is here.
i guess i trust all you wonderful people.
but the thing of it is, i just HATE, absolutely DESPISE the feeling i have right now.
it's like disappointment, anger, and sadness all rolled into one.
what's up with that.
why? i don't even think i'm going to get into that.
maybe it's because i'm starting to get sick. and i'm tired a little too. my boss (who happens to be a doctor) tells me i'm pale and look kind of sick. good thing to blame emotions on. yea, sure. if i was any more insane...
but there's my grandma's home made chicken soup that's sitting next to me. staring.
that made me feel a little better. truly things are just great. truthfully. i couldn't be any happier than i am now. God has blessed me so freaking much and me sitting here stewing over things that didn't happen or should've happened differently or i don't care about (sure) is just so stupid of me.
why can't i just be happy? i am. really i am. i'm not typing to convince myself either. i am happy. every day i wake up happy.
i don't know where this all comes from. this (and i hate calling it this) "depression" crap. cause it's not depression. it's me feeling like i'm not really included when i know full well that i am. it's my freaking mind telling me that no one really thinks about the plans they make...and if they really wanted me to come along...they'd maybe leave a message or tell me what's going on. or...wow...wait for me. and i'm not saying this because i think they should do that. it's just the right thing to do.
I DO DO THAT. I STRAIN MY MIND EVERY POSSIBLE ANGLE TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY'RE INCLUDED. TO MAKE SURE NO ONE IS LEFT OUT. I END UP STRESSING OUT FOR THE STUPIDEST REASONS (AS YOU CAN TELL) AND END UP TYPING IN CAPS CAUSE I'M JUST SO ANGRY AT MYSELF AND MYSELF. I TRY TO MAKE THINGS SO GARSH DARN PERFECT THAT I SACRIFISE MY SANITY.
and that, my friends is the underlying problem.
i've given up my "me" time for sleep and entertainment. goodie! i finally figured it out.
now, what can i change? - Weller

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