this may be the stupidest entry ever.
i'm going to say some things that i know i'm going to want to take back but i'm kind of upsed and i need to get it out.
relationships suck.
not all of them, just mine.
okay, so i need a reality check. my relationship doesn't suck. it's more a challenge than sucky.
but right now my brain's on go and emotions are insane. did i mention i'm pms-ing? that's gonna help too.
know what? the relationship doesn't suck. it's the things that keep me away from him that are getting on my nerves.
freaking school work! maybe if i had something to do while he was doing his work i'd be content to keep my mouth shut. but no. i have no purpose right now and it's getting on my nerves.
i can't see him because i don't want to get in the way of his school work. so really it's my fault for making myself feel like this. like i want to just take a break from eachother while he's in school so i don't have to deal with wether or not we can see eachother when most of the time it's no because of things he's got to do.
why can't i have activities on nights he's at school? that would be ideal because then my brain would be occupied with things other than him and his darned school work!
it's not his fault. it's even to secure a future for him. for us. for him. here i am being all selfish with him.
but i have a right to be! relationships require TIME. lots of it. he doesn't have any time and stupid me, when he does is out somewhere doing something else!
and i don't have a right to be. because we're doing the right thing. leave eachother alone and concentrate. do the work, rewards will come later.
i hate concentration.
and we don't have to see eachother every day. but text messages get kind of stupid after a while. specially when i write a good long one and he sends me one he's saved from 2 weeks ago and has already sent me!
argh!
goodness, if i had something to pound. good thing i know how to supress anger casue alot of things would be broken and alot of feelings would be hurt.
and i doubt i'd still be in this relationship that i can't stand.
i can stand it, who am i fooling? I love the boy to death! if i didn't know that he was there i'd freak out. seriously, i think i'd have some trouble being normal for a little while. i love this relationship. i do, truly.
time is an issue. definately. i can count on seeing him for at least 15 minutes thursday nights and maybe i'll see him friday if i go over there. but the only day we have to visit is sundays and lord knows i'm not a happy camper on sundays.
maybe i'm the one who has to check herself.
with the time we have, am i using it wisely? am i really concentrating on keeping us sane? i'm sure he feels this way sometimes (minus the hormone level). but am i consiously working on us when we're together? or am i just looking forward to the cuddling and chatting and mushy crap? "i love you" "oh, you do?" "so very much" "oh, i love you too" kiss kiss. blech.
what's going on! i don't want to be here but i can't not be here because if i wasn't here then i'd know not what to do or where to turn.
isn't that foolish.
this whole thing's foolish. i'm a confused little girl who doesn't know what she's doing, wants everything right now and wants it all in separate containers so things don't mix.
wants the relationship and the trials seperate. wants to deal with ONE THING AT A TIME!
just really wants david to be here.
that's the bottom line. i want him here and he can't be so i'm mad.
how irrational is that? i'm mad at him for having school work because i'm being selfish.
wow. that's the dumbest thing i've heard.
i need some help. if stupid things like that drive me crazy, how long do you think this relationship will last?
i just found out there's a pot going around with guesses as to how long it will take my boyfriend to propose. that's rediculous. i thought it was funny at first, but it's making me rather angry.
what kind of stupid game do they think our lives are? betting on someone's future like that is wrong. i don't care if it's a joke or a way for someone to get some money. it's hurtful.
don't bet on the circumstances of my life.
don't bet on my life. i don't find it funny. i find it rather upsetting and rude, for lack of a better word.
bet on your own son.
i'm sick of worrying what people think of us. specially what they think of him.
he's a gentleman. he's a wonderful person. he'd do anything you ask of him and you sit there and laugh at him because he thinks things out more thorough than you.
so what he's got loads of junk! i love him! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM!
DO NOT MESS WITH HIM! do not say stupid things about him around me. it hurts me because if he heard it, it would hurt him.
i don't want to hear it. i don't want to know what he did the other day that was so funny, i don't want to know what he's thrown out. i don't want to know anything that will make me think less of him because you do...
i will not think less of him because you do...
i will think more of him than i ever have because of you...
realize this.
i love him and i mean to run the race with him. for him and not against him.
i WILL be the Proverbs woman. i will STRIVE for him.
i will be who God wants me to be for him.
and i will be ALL God wants me to be for him.
I WILL BE ALL GOD WANTS ME TO BE.
we'll do it together. all three of us.
we will do it.